Elfen MENT
by The Layman
Summary: A humorous abridging of Elfen Lied, brimming with humor. Did I mention it has humor in it? Be prepare to laugh a lot. Characters will probably be OOC at time. But then, that's the whole point, isn't it? Updates infrequently, up it will be updated. Ch.3 in progress.
1. Mandatory Red Shirt Day

_Greetings Programs! I am The Layman, the ringmaster of this little endeavor if you will. For those of you new to my works, I have written many other stories aside from this one. For Humor aficionados, I recommend my Bleach cop AU, __Cold Fuzz__. If you want something a little darker, than I insist you try our __Deteriorate__, or perhaps the __Empty Shell __for the lighter eaters. If you want something not Anime inclined, I have a plethora of stories set in the Maximum Ride fandom. _

_Anyways, I got the idea for this story partially from my work on __Elfen Lied: The Second Verse __by Themulchmeister, and partially from watching an Abridged Series on YouTube. (I'll give you a hint: it has the word "Code" in the title.) Since I didn't really have anything better to write this summer (apart from __Cold Fuzz__...), I figured "Why not do Elfen Lied in the Abridged style?". So, this is what y'all are getting as a result. _

_So let's dive right into this thing, shall we?_

_Disclaimer: Elfen Lied is owned by ARMS, ADV Films, Madman Entertainment, and Lynn Okamoto. __**Please support the official release.**_

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Once upon a time there was a girl, we'll call her "Lucy". Lucy lived with her brothers Linus and Rerun, and always seemed to have a bone to pick (pun intended) with that stupid beagle that Charlie Brown had. She- Hang on a second, I seem to have the wrong Lucy here...Ah! Here's the right one! Let me try this again, *ahem*...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a girl called "Lucy"...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Ugh, I am so freaking BORED..., _Lucy thought tiredly; she was currently wrapped in a full-body straightjacket, tied to a mattress that was suspended in a contraption that would make the harness from Silence of the Lambs jealous. That whole thing was sitting in a circular room about fifty feet wide, whose only distinguishing feature was a four foot thick steel door.

So as you can imagine, there wasn't a lot to keep her occupied. (She'd tried talking to the walls for a while, but they just hurled cat calls at her, so that didn't last long. The door just looked at her funny.)

_What did I ever do to deserve this? ...Aside from killing all those people...and killing all those _other _people...and killing even _more _people...and killing all those cops...b-but aside from all the killing I was the textbook definition of perfect! _She sighed heavily, tilting her head upwards. _God? I don't know if you're real or not, but if you are real, then could you _pleeeeeaaaaase _give me something to stave off my boredom? I don't even care what I have to __lose __to get it either at this point..._

Just as she was finishing up her silent prayer, the heavy vault door opened with a groan and in walked two Rent-A-Cop security guards, one of which was holding a long stick.

_Thanks __God, _she told God quickly before turning to her new playthings.

"You ready for this, Joe?" one asked.

"Totally!" the one called Joe answered eagerly. "This is the best idea you've ever had Doug!"

"So do you want to poke her with the stick first or should I?" Doug asked.

"Hold that thought, I want to try something first." Joe reached onto his belt and pulled off a ring of keys, which he then proceeded to jiggle in front of her mask while cajoling her like one would a puppy.

He was apparently completely oblivious to the fact that the keys he was holding were the _exact _ones she needed to escape from this place.

_I am gonna owe God _big time _for this..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elfen MENT

Episode 1: Mandatory Red Shirt Day

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Let us now introduce one of the many dead men walking- I mean, "minor characters", that will be appearing in this MENT. Her name is Kisaragi. She is the secretary to Professor Kurama, the manager of this facility, and she is currently on her way to the break room to get her boss a cup o' Joe.

"La lala, la lala!~" she sang, skipping down the corridor. When she reached the appropriate door she opened it up and leaped inside, doing a mid-air quadruple pirouette before landing with graceful perfection on both feet. She then flopped back dramatically in a chair and an unseen bucket of water poured down on her.

"Dramatic as usual, eh Kisaragi?" one of the other secretaries commented, handing the energetic young woman a towel.

"You know me," Kisaragi smiled, toweling off her hair, "always full of energy and bursting with life!"

"That you are," her friend said, tugging at the collar of her red T-shirt. "Seriously though, whose idea was it for 'mandatory red shirt day' anyway?"

"No idea," Kisaragi said as she wrung out her own red shirt, "Besides, I kind of like it; it adds some spontaneity to life... Now, to get that coffee!" She poured and mixed a cup of coffee, just the way she knew her boss liked it. (She even remembered to use the clown mug with the little umbrella he liked so much too!) She then put the cup on a small tray and began heading back to the office.

TRIP!

Only to fall flat on her face five steps later, the coffee flying.

"Dammit! That's the 78th time that's happened this week!" she moaned, gingerly picking the now empty mug with her thumb and forefinger.

"You know, I could help you with this..." her friend offered. For some strange reason whenever Kisaragi tried to bring her boss coffee she got clumsier than Jesse W. Haywood.

"No no, I can do this!" she declared, rinsing out the mug and pouring more coffee into it. "I'm going to bring him more coffee _**even **_if it kills me!"

**!SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!**

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back with Not-Chi...

"Dammit! Why is there always an escape attempt of Mandatory Red Shirt Day?" one of the Rent-A-Guards asked, just before getting ripped apart by invisible hands.

"Jerry NOOOO!" the guard next him cried, sobbing, "And he only had two days left 'till retirement..."

And then he got ripped apart like an old ragdoll.

_Oh _gaaaawd _it feels so good not to be in sadistic fairground ride anymore! _Lucy silently proclaimed, ripping apart guard after guard she came across. Man_, I have a lot of repressed aggression, don't I? _she thought in a moment of remarkable self awareness. _Still, it's been much easier than I thought it would be to get out of this place. And if I remember what that one guard I tortured for a bit said (He was in league with the walls, I know he was!...) then the exit should be right around this next-_

She turned the corner, only to be met by a row of thirty guards, all pointing rifles in her direction. Also, Director Kurama was standing in the middle of the line.

_Dammit__! _Lucy seethed silently, _A human wall! My one weakness... _For a moment no one moved, save for a lone tumbleweed that bounced between Lucy and the Guards. Also, it was accompanied by a short low-high-low whistle and the sound of a rattlesnake shaking its tail. Weird...

And then Kisaragi chose that moment to trip into the fray, quite literally, and land right in front of Lucy.

_Hellooooo hostage! _Lucy thought gleefully.

"Ow..." she said, a bit muffled. She picked herself up, muttering under her breath about clumsy she was.

That is, until she noticed the spilled cup on the floor.

"Aw man!" she whined, "And I was so sure the 95th time was the charm!"

"Kisaragi!"

The clumsy young woman turned to see her boss standing behind a wall of guards, utterly unaware of the danger she was in, "Oh hi Dr. Kurama, what are you doing here? And why are all these guards here too? Are you having a staff meeting?"

"Run away! Get out of here quick!"

"I'm _really _sorry I spilled your coffee; I know I must be making the expenses account for food go through the roof... But I almost got a third of the way to your office this time; I'm making progress!"

"Kisaragi are you ever listening to me?"

She wasn't listening to him.

"Oh, why do they have their guns out?" she wondered, finally starting to become aware of what was happening around her. "Is this a training exercise? Did I just wander into the middle of a firing range?"

"LOOK BEHIND YOU!" everyone shouted, finally fed up with the young woman's cluelessness. After she recovered from the Force-3 wind she turned to see what every was apparently making such a fuss about...

Only to be met by Lucy's massive breasts.

"Whoa! Those things are huge!" she exclaimed, her eyes bugging out.

Then Lucy twisted her head off.

"There," she said, addressing Kurama and the guards. She held up the severed head, "I shut her up for you. Can I leave now?"

"How about a part gift?" Kurama suggested. "Like a 21 gun salute!" As he said that the guard opened fire...

Lucy tossed the scalp away (eliciting a yowl from a cat accompanied by the sound of broken glass), swapping it out for the rest of Kisaragi's corpse.

_It's a good thing Anime likes to screw with physics, _she thought as the bullets riddling the limp, headless body, _or some of those things might actually penetrate my meat shield and hit me. _Since all she really had to do now was to wait for the idiot ahead of her to run out of ammo, then she could kill them at her leisure. However, since she was getting bored just thinking about how long she'd have to wait, she decided to fleece the corpse that was keeping her own person bullet free. _Geez, _she thought after few seconds of fruitless searching, _I've seen fuller pockets at a nudist beach! No cell phone, no wallet, not even a freaking tube of lipstick! Doesn't she-_

And then she struck (metaphorical) gold.

_Ooh, a pen! Well, maybe I can hock it once I get out of this- PINK? Aw hell no; there's already gonna be more than enough pink as this series goes on. (bleep)k this bitch! _She hurled the pink pen away from her in disgust, narrowly missing Kurama's head by inches.

The guard standing next to him wasn't _quite _so lucky...

Kurama stared down at the newest corpse, "Not Gerry, Jerry's bother! He only had _one _day left 'til retirement..." He quickly composed himself, "Quick, shoot her some more!"

"But we just ran out of bullets!" one of the nameless guards said.

"When did that happen?" Kurama demanded.

"Just after Gerry went down, sir."

"Hang on guys, maybe we're not _completely _out of bullets yet," another guard said, turning his gun around to look down the barrel.

BANG!

"Whadaya know!" Bugs Bunny exclaimed, "One bullet weft."

"For the record," Lucy said, holding her finger up, "I didn't kill that one."

"We don't need no stinking guns to win!" yet another guard announced, getting to his feet and charging towards Lucy, "OK let's do this, _LEROOOOY! A-JEEEENKIIIINS!"_

An invisible hand punched through his chest, sending his heart flying onto one of the guards behind him.

Not wanting to be the target for the rest of the raiding party, Lucy ominously continued forward, slashing whatever throats happened to be in directly in her way.

_Alright Professor Kurama, _she plotted as she tore out the throats of guards, _how to go about killing you? I don't want you to die too quickly, you've given me too much pent up rage I need to take out... Hmm, maybe I'll start with the pinkie toe and work my way up the rest of his body. Though how to stop the blood loss before he __loses __a fatal amount...? Oh well, I'm here already, I'ma just wing it. _Underneath her helmet she smiled gleefully, _OK bitch, time to learn a whole new meaning of the word-_

She walked right past him.

_Why the (bleep) did I just walk past him? Dammit, turn the (bleep) back around and eviscerate him! Bad body, bad! Geez, I hope this won't become a recurring thing after I escape..._

**!MOAR SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!**

"Close the blast doors, close the blast doors!" Kurama yelled into his radio, a two foot thick door descending just behind Lucy, effectively trapping her.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

In a dimly lit control room a figure sat, silhouetted by the light of the monitors he was watching. Or to be more specific, the nude chick _on _the monitors he was watching.

"_Damn _would I like to tap that..." he muttered dreamily as he pushed a bunch of randomly beeping and colorful buttons, opening another door that conveniently happened to be in the space Lucy was trapped in.

_Someone's _gonna lose their job over that one, I can tell. (Next thing you know they'll say that they couldn't find _some way _to shield that exhaust port on the Death Star from missile attacks.)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

_Damn walls! _Lucy raged, punching said walls with invisible fists, _Make cat calls at ME, will you? _She was so busy teaching the wall a lesson that she almost didn't notice the convenient plot door open up. _YES! _she cheered, _sweet freedom! _She hurriedly moseyed outside, making her way to the edge of the cliff the facility was built on.

Meanwhile, on an upper of the poorly designed facility...

Kurama and a sharpshooter he requested were peering out of a window, training their sights on the _ssslllooowwwlllyyy _escaping Diclonius.

"Hang on," the sharpshooter realized, "how did we get all this set up so fast? I mean, weren't we two floors down a second ago? And why is she walking so slow anyway? It's like she _wants _to get shot..."

"It's plot convenience," Kurama waved him off, "don't question it. Now, make this bullet count; she isn't going to give you a second shot."

"Not to worry sir," Nameless Guard #946 assured him, "I play CoD: Modern Warfare on Expert difficulty; there's no way in hell I'm gonna miss a shot this easy!"

Back with Lucy, she was getting onto a diving board, ready to leave this damn island (and its horny walls...) once and for all!

_Almost there... _she thought, leaping off the board in a graceful swan dive. _And to think, I was worried that something was going to happen to prevent my scotch free-_

CLANG! The bullet that the sniper fired hit her helmet/mask, causing it to break apart, revealing her long, luscious pink hair. (See? Told you there'd be pink.) As she tumbled towards the ocean she could feel the mother of all goose eggs forming, not to mention her intelligence slowly seeping away.

And just before she lost consciousness, she muttered "I hate God's sense of humor..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

And now for something completely different.

An idyllic Japanese small town.

Welcome to Kamakura, a seaside community with many picturesque views. It's a fairly quite town, not a lot goes on around here.

And for one college student waiting by Gokurakuji Station for her stupid cousin to finally get here, the whole "nothing going on" thing was starting to get pretty annoying.

"Where is he?" she sighed, tapping her foot impatiently. "He was supposed to be here two minutes and 33.7 seconds ago...the hell is taking him so long!" She sighed heavily, "Is it too much to ask for me to spend some time with my cousin who I haven't seen in 8 years? For us to embrace each other tenderly while running our hands over our bodies, maybe with a little tongue action before he grabs my-"

An old couple were staring aghast at her.

"Oh like you've never had those thoughts about your cousins before!" she scolded as they awkwardly shuffled away. Once the old couple was gone she sighed again, this time in annoyance, "Great, now I'm too worked up to stand around here waiting... I know; I'll do a pointless walking montage! Maybe Kouta will be here by the time I'm done!" So she headed off, walking aimlessly to whatever picturesque scenery she could find to pad out the time.

Twelve hours later, she was at the stairs that lead up to the old inn that her family owned.

And guess who was climbing those stairs?

"Kouta!" she cried, rushing up her cousin and embracing him. "Oh it's been so long!..."

"Yeah, OK, sure," Kouta said, clearly uncomfortable at being glomped. "Um...who are you again?"

SMACK!

"OW!" he cried, rubbing his face, "What was that for?"

"Dummy you forget about me, didn't you?" she scolded, hands on her hips. Then she calmed down a bit, "I'm Yuka."

"Who?"

"Your cousin."

"Who?"

"From the fair?"

"Who?"

"You used to visit me here every year."

"Who?"

Seeing that this was going nowhere, Yuka decided to change tactics. She sighed; she _really_ didn't want to have to play this card... "The clingy girl who was always pestering you about marriage..."

"Yuka!" Recognition dawned on Kouta's (throbbing) face, "Wow, it really has been a long time, huh?" Well, the worst was over now. "So are we cool now?"

SMACK! (Again!)

"Now what did I do?"

"You're late!" Yuka was back in rage mode, "I was waiting for you for twelve hours! What the hell took you so long?"

"What do you mean, 'what took me so long'? I just got in a few minutes ago!"

"Yes," Yuka agreed, "but you were supposed to be here by 6:00!"

"_P.M.,_" Kouta explained, "the letter said I would arrive by 6:00 _P.M._"

It was 6:31 P.M. now.

"Anyways, when I got in no one was waiting for me at the station, so I decided to go check out the place I'll be staying." He held up a paper with a crudely drawn map on it, "You weren't waiting for me since 6:00 _A.M._, were you?"

"_No...~"_Yuka said through a clearly pasted on smile. Her left eyebrow twitched a little. "I certainly didn't walk all over town for twelve hours in a pointless montage either!~"

"Whatever," Kouta shrugged. "Anyways, you think you could help me with these directions? It looks like a five year old drew them."

"Sure!~" she chirped, grabbing him by the arm.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Um, Yuka? This is the beach."

And the beach it was!

"That's right Kouta!" she cheered, patting him sweetly on the head, "You're such a smart boy; you get a cookie!" He swatted at her, and she gave up treating him like an infant. She looked out at the sea longingly, "Remember when we used to play here?"

"Mmhmm," Kouta nodded, "You, me, and Kanae always came here when we visited, huh?" He turned and looked out to sea as well, "I remember the last time we were here; Kanae was collecting all those seashells..."

Then the scene faded into a flashback, complete with echo-ey audio.

"_Look at all the pretty seashells I found Big Brother!" Kanae held up a handful of ratty shells. "Aren't they great?" _

"_They stink!" Kouta sneered. "You're stupid if you think _these_are any good; go find a better one!" _

"_Grrrr!" Kanae lunged at Kouta, threatening him with words that a six year old should not yet know. _

_Yuka chose this moment to return with a picnic basket. _

"_Kouta-chan, Kanae-chan, I'm back! There's enough bento in __here__to last us- WAAAGH! Kanae-chan, don't rip that off; I'm gonna need it some day!"_

And then it abruptly cut back to Kouta and Yuka in present day.

"That day sucked..." He shook his head to rid it of the unpleasant memory when he felt his cousin tapping him on the shoulder, "Yuka please, I'm-" He looked over at her and saw that she was staring straight ahead, pointing at something. He followed the direction her finger was pointing...

Standing just ahead of them was a girl about as old as they were with long pink hair.

She was also stark friggin nude, too.

"Yuka?"

"Yeah?"

"Was this a nudist beach back then too?"

"___Nooo _it wasn't."

"Well it is now..."

Kouta and Yuka continued to stare at the spontaneously appeared naked girl. They wanted to look away, but..._Damn!_were those things huge! Seriously, you could win prizes at the county fair with those melons!

Meanwhile, Lucy (Could it _really_be anyone else?) was beginning to come to; though her hair was mostly in her eyes, she could still tell where the two humans stood in front of her.

_Ugh, more witnesses... _she groaned. _I hate killing witnesses before I've had my morning coffee...Now, what would be a good line to kill them with?...Ooh, I know! _She slowly lift her head and said the most terrifying thing imagin-

"Nyu~...?"

"..."

"..."

..._What the (bleep)? _she thought, _I didn't want to say that. Why would I say something like that? What does that even mean? It's like I have brain damage or som- Fuuuuuuuuuu-_

"Could...you repeat that?" Kouta asked, not quite he heard right the first time.

_Crap I forgot about the humans! Well, no use putting it off any longer... Body, eviscerate the humans!_

Lucy's body turned and started to run away, only to face-plant on the sand after running four steps.

And then started sobbing.

_Oh this is gonna be fun, I can just tell._

Note the sarcasm.

"Kouta quick; take your clothes off!" Yuka said, turning her cousin away from the crying, sobbing, naked girl.

"The hell Yuka! Why should I-"

"Don't question me, just do it!" Kouta was about to protest further when a realization dawned on him.

"_Oh,_because we can't just let her walk around in her birthday suit; good thinking Yuka."

"Yeah..." Yuka replied with shifty eyes, "because _that's _why I want you to strip, totally... _and not just because I'm horny right now and want a sneak peak at later tonight..._"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!~"

So after about ten minutes they had successfully clothed the naked girl they found.

"Um, Yuka? I don't think this is gonna work out so well..."

He was clad only in his boxers now; all the rest of his clothes were on the girl.

And after two minutes of arguing and another five minutes getting at least the pants and one of the shirts off the new girl and back on Kouta everyone was happy.

"Hey check out these out," Yuka said (after Kouta finished zipping up his pants), pointing at the bony, white protrusions on the girl's head, "they look kind of like horns."

"Maybe she was wearing a costume before," Kouta suggested.

"Well they look cute; I'm gonna try them on!" She tried to take the horns off, but found they were attached to the girl's head. "Maybe she glued them on or something..."

"Actually," Kouta said in light of this new discovery, "there is the possibility that their real, and that they could THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YUKA!"

Yuka had her foot propped against the back of the pink haired girl's head, pulling at the horns with all her might.

"Come...off...damn...you!..." she grunted.

Inside of her mobile and marginally self aware prison, Lucy wasn't liking this one bit.

_Cut it out already; stop pulling at my horns! I can still feel what happens to my body in here you know- OW! Not good! Bad human, bad! Oh, you're gonna die a slowly and painful death you are..._

After Kouta was able to pry his cousin away from the poor girl, he suddenly got hit by this weird feeling of Deja-vu; everything started to look trippy, and he could swear he saw a silhouette of a young with...were those...horns?

"-And that's why Kiss X Sis is the best Anime ever!" he snapped out of it just at the tail end of Yuka's speech. "Don't you agree, Kouta?"

"Huh...what? Sorry, I blanked out there for a second." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"_**I said," **_Yuka growled, _**"you like Kiss X Sis too, don't you?"**_

"Uhhh..." Kouta stammered, now standing in a pool of his own sweat. "Iyyy-i-i-i-i-Why don't we all go back to your place Yuka?" he hurriedly suggested, hoping with all his might that his scary monster- COUSIN! would take the bait.

"OK," Yuka said, suddenly returned to normal. Kouta let out a huge sigh of relief, "but let's go somewhere else; my mom doesn't let me bring stray pets home anymore."

_So I'm a pet now, huh? _Lucy seethed. _Oh the ways I know how to kill a person..._

"Really? Why not?"

"Well..." she said, triggering another flashback sequence.

"_YUKA!" her mother called, holding a chair out protectively in front of her, "get this...BEAST out of my house this INSTANT!" _

"_But Mommy," Yuka whined, holding up the cute little kitten she'd found on her way home from school, "he's so _cute~!_" She nuzzled it against her cheek. It mewled. _

"_I don't care if it's the last of it's kind, if it's not good and gone in _three seconds_, then we are having home cooked Chinese food for dinner. Do I make myself clear?" _

"Let's just say my mom had a bad experience as a kid and she made me an offer I couldn't refuse..." Yuka explained hesitantly, now back in the present. Then she perked up, "But I have a better idea!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

What Yuka had decided was that they head to the place where Kouta would be boarding for his stay in Kamakura. It was an older (yet still very impressive) building with traditional looking architecture.

"Will I even be able to afford this?" Kouta wondered, taking the old building in. He hung his head, drooping, "I was barely able to afford the last apartment I had..."

"My folks bought this place after it went out of business, but they've been too busy with other things to get it business ready yet." She turned and smiled at her cousin, "They said you don't have to worry about paying rent as long as you keep the whole place clean!~" Then she remembered something, "Oh, and the garden too!~"

Kouta looked at the place again and fell over sideways with a hollow "Donk!" sound.

"Kouta?"

Meanwhile Lucy was having another conflict with her body. Whilst the strange humans she had wound herself up with continued their banter, the pink haired killer's body continued staring dazedly at the falling cherry blossoms (and did I mention they were _pink?_)

_They're just cherry blossoms; I don't get it! And they're GODDAMN PINK to boot! I can't comprehend why people find them so... Hey! Body, sto- Body, stop staring at the dead petals! Geez,__I hope nobody's watching me watching these stupid leaves or else I might have to gouge out their eyes and feed it to them in a cup of instant ramen after I shove them up their-_

OK, LET'S CHENGE THE SUBJECT!

Soon they entered the main building and Kouta noticed an old Grandfather Clock standing next to a large vase (that was strangely devoid of flowers).

"Cool clock Yuka!" he called.

"I guess so," Yuka called back from further in, "I think it's broken though; nothing happens whenever we try winding it."

"It looks pretty old..." Kouta ran his hand along the face of the clock.

"You can sleep in here!" Yuka said, poking her head out of one of the doorways. _And I hope you like the extras I threw in just for you..._

"Um..." Kouta went over and inspected the room, "this room doesn't have a door."

"Really?~ What a coincidence!~" Yuka said a little too cheerfully. "That's not going to be a problem I hope?"

"I don't-"

"NYUUU!~" Since they stepped inside the old place the pink haired girl had been fidgeting nigh uncontrollably, not that either of the two teens noticed. Nearing the end of her limit she desperately tried to get her two caretakers to notice. "Nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu!~" She slumped down to the floor.

"What's that girl?" Yuka asked, bending down, "little Timmy fell in the well again?" She got back up and looked confusingly at Kouta, "But I don't even know a Timmy..."

"Look," Kouta said, getting down to the pink haired girl's level, "we don't know who Timmy is Miss...What should we call you anyways?"

"It is going to be rather hard to communicate with you if we can't call you anything." Yuka adopted a thinking pose, "Let's see; you're around our age, your hair's a shade of red, and we found you on the beach, so..."

_If you say what I think you're going to say..._

"Miyuki Takara!"

_Oh, she didn't say-_

"Or was that Ariel?"

_GAAAAAH!_

"What about 'Chi'?" Kouta suggested.

"Why Chi?" Yuka wondered.

"I don't know; it just came to me for some reason..." He mulled it over for a minute, "Nah, it feels like I'm stealing from someone else if we call her that."

_Dodged that bullet, _Lucy sighed in relief.

"Well then what should we call her?"

"Nyu!~"

"I can't think of anything else..."

"NYU!~"

"It's like there's something on the tip of my tongue, but..."

"NyuuUUuuUUuuUUuUuuUUU!~"

"...Nope, nothing."

"NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU!~"

Lucy's body didn't really care what they called her, so long as they finally paid attention to her plight dammit!

_With the rate __they're __going they might as well just call me "Nyu" or something like that, _Lucy shrugged. (Though how one could do that within one's own mind was a bit of a mystery.)

"How about we just call her Nyu?" Kouta suggested. "It's not the worst thing we've come up with."

_...Kill me now God, please?_

"Nyu...~"

"I think she likes it!" Yuka smiled.

_No I don't, _Lucy pouted.

"Now all we have to do is fix up a room for Nyu and we can-"

Splch.

Yuka froze, slowly looking down; he foot was standing in a growing puddle of murky yellow liquid with Nyu in the epicenter.

_As disgusting as this is TAKE THAT, BITCH!_

"Kouta-you-stay-here-and-clean-this-up-while-Nyu-and-I-take-a-bath-kay-thanks-bye!" Yuka shouted, rushing off to the bathroom and dragging Nyu behind her in the wind. Kouta sighed, drooping his shoulders as he trudged off to get the cleaning supplies.

When Yuka reached the bath she threw Nyu in without preamble before stripping her own clothes off and stepping in herself.

"Ahhhh..." she sighed contentedly, "sweet cleanliness..." She looked over at Nyu, who was enamored with the bubbles. "She seems to be enjoying herself."

Lucy on the other hand...

_For once you did something right, Tentacle Fodder; with the male Tentacle Fodder out of the way I can kill you dead without any witnesses! The water was a nice touch, since now I can just drown you and make it seem like you accidentally STOP EATING THE BUBBLES, BODY!_

Eventually Kouta finished scrubbing the urine of the floor ___just_as Yuka and Nyu stepped out of the bath.

"Good job Kouta!" Yuka marveled, "If you clean the rest of the house this good we can open this place back up!"

"The *gulp*...rest of the house?" Kouta blanched. He was about to faint again when he noticed something about the clothes Nyu was wearing, "Is that one of my t-shirts? And...WHY IS SHE WEARING MY UNDERWEAR!"

"Don't have a cow, dude," Yuka tried to calm her cousin down, "you brought more than one pair, right?"

"THAT ISN'T THE POINT!" Kouta continued screaming. "Couldn't you let her borrow a pair or yours or something?"

"Maybe, but then I'd have to go all the way back to my house to fetch them. Besides, yours were already here, and I didn't want her walking around bottomless for the rest of the night."

These were good points.

"I'll just buy her some of her own later," she said, waving off the argument. "Now who's hungry? I've got a ton of riceballs that aren't going to eat themselves!" They all filed into the dining room eager to tear at the grub. Yuka poured the riceballs (which were all individually wrapped) onto the table unceremoniously and announced "Dig in!~" She and Kouta each grabbed a riceball and unwrapped them, biting into them contentedly.

Nyu just stared at the tinfoil wrapped balls of rice intently.

_I don't get what's so interesting about those things,_Lucy said, ..._not unless you're trying to make them spontaneously explode with your mind! Brilliant! I knew you weren't completely useless! If it works we can use it on the next ones they take..._

"Hey Kouta," Yuka asked, wiping some stray grains of rice from her mouth, "where do you think Nyu came from? And for that matter what was she doing naked on a beach?"

"You got me," Kouta shrugged, popping the last of his own riceball into his mouth. "Maybe she's from a secret research facility and she somehow escaped and ended up here."

They both looked at Nyu, who was now greedily (and messily) chomping on a riceball of her own.

"Pssh, _naaah_!" they both said.

"You're like a toddler," Yuka said as she wiped Nyu's mouth with a napkin. "Haven't you ever had riceballs before?"

"Here." Kouta took a riceball and unwrapped it, holding it up for Nyu to see, "You hold them like this, see?"

Nyu stared in rapture at the simple food, then help her mouth open expectantly. Kouta sweatdropped.

"I think you might be right, Yuka."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (meaning the secret facility Lucy escaped from), Kurama and a new woman were surveying Ground Zero, or what the rest of the staff called the "Mandatory Red Shirt Day from HELL!".

"...And those are just the figures from ___this_breakout," the woman explained, "I mean, just the condolence checks to all the victim's families could set us back irrecoverably; and that's not even counting the repair and restocking costs, plus all the complaints and petitions to disband Mandatory Red Shirt Day... Professor are you even listening to me?"

Kurama was currently cradling the severed head of Kisaragi (which was kind of starting to smell now...), promising vengeance.

"Don't you worry Sara, I'll make sure your death wasn't in-"

"Her name was Kisaragi," the women reminded him bluntly.

"Quiet Replacement Kisaragi!" he snapped, "Can't you see I'm trying to mourn the loss of Jessica here?" He turned back to the head, "I'll make sure your death wasn't in vain Amelia..." His piece said, hedrop-kicked the head down the hall (another cat yowled) before turning back to face Kisaragi #2, straightening his tie as he did so. Now that that's out of the way, I think the first order of business is to track down and kill Lucy."

"You don't want to capture her again?" Kisaragi 2 wondered. "You know, so you could take revenge on the thing that killed Kisa-"

"Brittany!"

"...'Brittany', with your own two hands?"

"No no," he assured her, "just knowing she's dead is satisfaction enough for me. Now go get our Secret Ninja Team and bring them to my office at 1900 hours; I want to brief them personally."

"Then perhaps I should draw your eyes to this particular complaint before I do that," she said, handing him a paper from the folder she was holding. "I was going to bring it up anyways."

"Let's see here..." Kurama said as he started to skim the paper, bringing it up to his face and adjusting his glasses. "Blah blah 'unsatisfactory working conditions' blah blah blah 'underpaid' blah blah- 'NO TV IN THE BREAK ROOM'! Now that's just unreasonable!" Kurama pinched the bridge of his nose, "Fine, send one of the other killing teams then."

"Actually, just about all the other killing teams handed in similar letters, along with their declarations of resignation." She paused for a moment, thinking. "The Special Assault Team are the only ones who haven't given any indication of running away."

"Then send them already! Hell, I'll even splurge for a TV in the break room if it'll keep them on longer!" Then an idea suddenly struck him, "Say, how good are you at making coffee?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later, at the S.A.T. Training room...

"So you're saying this Bandou guy is good?" Kurama asked, sipping his coffee Kisaragi 2 had made him. (It was quite excellent, too.)

"Absolutely!" the tech praised, "He's at the top of all the squad leaderboards for Call of Duty, Halo, Gears of War, Killzones 2 ___and_3, and Duck Hunt; he even got a 100% hit ratio on the Time Crisis games."

"Very interesting..." Kurama looked through the partisan at the training field where Bandou was currently running simulations. "May I ask why he's wearing a Virtual Boy while he does that?"

"It's his own specialized regime," the tech explained, "we feed him gameplay footage while he does the course." The tech suddenly became sullen, "He's the only one who's eyes were spared..."

Down in the field, Bandou fired at every target that was set in front of him, all while watching iridescent red on black footage of Wario Land dance before his eyes. (If the dancer was a contortionist...) He shot up the rest of the targets, then shot all the ones that were supposed to be the "hostages" that he was rescuing.

"Bandou, what the hell are you doing?" the tech shouted, "Those targets ___detract _from your score when you shoot them, not add to it!"

"Screw you!" Bandou shouted back, ripping off the Virtual Boy and shooting the tech a double bird, "I've been doing these sim runs forever; I want a _real _mission where I can shoot _real _people! My last one was like..." He thought for a moment. "...___Two whole days _ago; I want more!" Then he made for the exit, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drop a log that feels about five miles long."

A moment later reappeared through the door of the control room.

"(bleep)damn that was refreshing..." he sighed, leaning against a railing. "Anyways, if I don't get a real mission soon I'm gonna-"

"How would you like to help up kill a dangerous murderer?" Kurama asked.

"Hellz yeah! When do we leave?"

Well that was easy.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that..." Bandou grinned in contentment. "However I've got one condition." He held up a finger (don't worry, it's the point finger this time) to illustrate his point. "I want a TV for the break room."

Kurama bristled.

"Tell you what," he said, managing to keep his cool, "bring me back distinctive proof that the murderer is dead and I'll even have Cable put in as well."

"Distinctive how?" Bandou wondered, "Like a finger or something?"

"Or something..." Kurama said, shifty eyes. "Trust me, you'll know when you see it."

"Mr. Bandou?" a young woman said from behind the man mountain, "I have those celery sticks you said you want-"

BAM! Bandou backhanded the woman with a slap that would make pimps jealous, sending her flying clear across the room.

"Bitch I said bring me carrot sticks, CARROT STICKS! Don't you know I need to keep my eyes in perfect condition for this job? If my eyes didn't work then I wouldn't know what to shoot at, would I?" He took a mirror out of one of the pockets on his vest and gazed longingly at it. "___Damn _I love my eyes..."

**?DO I EVEN NEED TO MENTION IT AT THIS POINT?**

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back at the Maple Inn the weather had spontaneously decided to turn to rain.

"Geez this rain just came out of nowhere, huh?" Yuka said as she came back into the dining room, broom in hand. "Anyways I did a little light sweeping and fixed up a room of Nyu to sleep in."

"Thanks a lot Yuka." Kouta was busy going though his backpack, taking inventory.

"Don't get used to it though, this was just a little welcome gift; from now on you're on your own, bitch!"

Kouta sighed. "Thanks for reminding me..." he said sarcastically. Wanting to take his mind off the hours of cleaning ahead of him, he decided to turn to the focus to the third member of their party. "So what are we gonna do with Nyu?"

"Maybe we should take her to the police or something," Yuka suggested. "You know, ___after_ she's been housebroken..."

Kouta would have made a counter proposal if not for the sound of something falling out of his backpack.

"Nyu, what were you doing going through my stuff?" he asked as he surveyed the damage. Apparently a small box fell out and broke open; on the floor was a gleaming, salmon colored seashell.

"Is that what I think it is?" Yuka asked, leaning over to look at the shell as Kouta retrieved it.

"It is," Kouta brought the shell closer to his face, "it's the shell Kanae found that day..."

Flashback time again!

"_Here..." Kanae stood in front of her cousin and her (stupid) brother, covered in grime; she held up the spoils of her search for all to see, "Is _this _good enough for His Majesty?" _

"_Wow Kanae, that's really cool!" Yuka praised. She looked over to Kouta, emitting__ominous __waves__even though she was smiling, __**"Isn't it, Kouta?"**_

"_S-s-sure it is!" he answered, trying his best to sound genuine. He patted his little sister on the head, "Nice job!" _

"_Thanks!~" Kanae giggled. She held the shell out to her brother, "Keep it then; it's your present!" _

"_I can't keep this!" Kouta looked aghast, "It's pink; guys aren't supposed to have pink things!" _

"_Kouta," Kanae growled, "I just spent THREE HOURS looking for this; I'm tired, my clothes are dirty, I was stung by a wasp, and I had to fight off a FREAKING SHARK for this shell! You're going to take this, or I'll shove it right up your-"_

"After that she got sick and died." He held the shell just a little bit tighter, "But with this I'll always remember all the good times we had." He closed his eyes now, "It just felt right to bring it with me..."

During (and before) the flashback, Nyu stared at the shell with determination, as if all the mysteries of the universe were contained within.

_What a stupid shell..._

Lucy on the other hand...

Nyu plucked the shell from Kouta's hand, still staring intently at its-

Krk.

"..."

"..."

...And snapped it in two.

_Well done, Body! _Lucy congratulated as Nyu beamed. _You little vandal you! Now, do the same thing with their heads!_

"You bitch!" Kouta screamed, grabbing Nyu by the collar of her (borrowed) shirt, "You (bleep)ing (bleep)! I just said that shell was a memento of my dead sister; why did you do that? ANSWER ME, (bleep)DAMMIT!"

"Kouta, calm down!" Yuka cried as she pried her cousin off the helpless Nyu.

"Just get out of here!" he continually shouted, Yuka holding him back, "We don't need your kind; evil memory or their dead sister shell breakers aren't welcome here!"

Nyu ran out of the house, crying all the way.

...And then a shot of the Grandfather clock for some reason? I don't know...

Anyways, we cut back to Kouta and Yuka, the former sitting with his back against the wall while the latter stared in the direction Nyu vanished in.

"I think you might have been too hard on her," Yuka said, "she was only doing what she thought would make you happy again."

"What, are you gonna shove some Freudian lecture down my throat about it?" he asked accusingly.

"No," she said, pulling him up by the ear, "I'm just going drag you behind me while we go searching for her!~"

So the intrepid duo went off to search for Nyu, Yuka beaming and Kouta going "Ow ow ow!" all the way.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

In da Choppa, Bandou and the rest of the SATs were waiting around for the darn thing to get to wherever it was taking them so they could get this mission over with and enjoy the new TV in the break room.

Bandou was holding his gun, which was polished to a sheen, and was looking at the reflection of his eyes.

"Oh Eyes, I hope I never need glasses..."

"Prima donna..." one of the other SATs muttered under his breath.

Unfortunately, Bandou heard him.

"I'm sorry," he said, pointing his gun at the SAT's throat, "I thought I heard you sneeze or something."

"DUDE, WHAT THE CRAP!" the SAT screamed, doing his best to keep his bowls under control.

"Ahh I'm just joshin' you," Bandou chuckled jovially, "The gun's not even loaded!" In emphasis he pulled the hammer back and squeezed the trigger.

BANG!

The SAT fell over dead.

"Oh, guess I did have it loaded after all; silly me!" Bandou shrugged, returning to his seat.

"If you ladies are done playing grab ass," the mission commander said, "then lock and load; we're almost to the insertion point."

_To be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Episode 1: Mandatory Red Shirt Day, end.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Jesse W. Haywood (played by Don Knotts in _The Shakiest Gun in the West_) is a city-slicker, frontier dentist in the old west who can hardly go five minutes without causing something to go comically awry.

"One bullet weft" is part of a Looney Toons sketch with Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd in which Elmer apparently runs out of ammo, causing Daffy to grab the gun, stare into the barrel, and promptly have his beak blown around backwards by the last shot that spontaneously goes off.

In Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, one of the missions has you sneaking through Chernobyl, sniping an enemy VIP, and holding ground until your extraction chopper arrive.

"Kiss X Sis" is an Ecchi anime about two twin sisters who have to romance their younger stepbrother for some reason. I don't know why, I don't care why...it's incest, let's just leave it at that. (Though you can see why Yuka likes it...)

Miyuki Takara, one of the four main characters of the anime Lucky Star, has light, pastel pink hair. As far as I know, she has no similarities to Ariel of The Little Mermaid whatsoever.


	2. What Multiple Personalities?

_And so we come to the second chapter of Elfen MENT. It's the only second chapter of this story, so feel honored. In fact, you should be prostrating at my feet for having the grace and benevolence to allow you to-_

_Whoa, sorry about that; took a second for my meds to kick in. _

_Anyways, another quick plug before we start, still for __Elfen Lied: The Second Verse__. I know the author worked really hard on it (as did I, cleaning up after him; candy wrappers EVERYWHERE I tell you!) and really appreciates any and all reviews for it. _

_One more thing. I'd like to take this opportunity to plug __Blood Minus__ by Dilly-Oh. It does the same thing with the anime Blood+ that I'm doing with Elfen Lied, and it's hilarious to boot! I highly recommend watching Blood+, and then reading the accompanying chapter afterwards. You're in for a very treat, take my words._

_And now that that's out of the way, let's dive right into Elfen MENT Episode 2! But first, a disclaimer!_

_Disclaimer: Elfen Lied is owned by ARMS, ADV Films, Madman Entertainment, and Lynn Okamoto. _**Please support the official release.**

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

When we last left off, Yuka was dragging Kouta behind her in search of a distraught Nyu ("Yuka, stop pulling; I don't want to end up like Van Gogh!"), Bandou was eager to finally kill real people ("Aw yeah, Bandou gets to cap a bitch!"), and Nyu was running who knows where in the rain (_Finally ditched those blithering idiots, Good work Body! ...Now if only you were smart enough to get out of the rain._).

And now...the continuation!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elfen MENT

Episode 2: What Multiple Personalities?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

We open in a pile of junk, where a young girl in an oversized sweater had constructed a rudimentary living quarters.

Remember what she looks like, because we'll be seeing her again real soon; she might even become a main character, not to spoil anything.

But enough about her for now, let's get back to da Choppa with Arnold- I mean Bandou and the SATs.

"Alright," the CO said, reading from a clipboard, "the target we're after uses an unidentified weapon with a two meter effective range, so don't get too close when you- What is it Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon?"

A lone hand was raised at the far end of the benches.

"Nothing sir," the Sargent said, "It's just that...from this angle you kind of look like a monkey."

The rest of the SATs snickered at this.

"I'm well aware that my face has an unusual bone structure Sargent," the CO bristled, his eyebrow twitching. "Just for that, you're on Bandou's team when we hit dirt. Now if you ladies are done with the questions we can- Bandou, if this is about you getting paired with Gonna-Die-Soon..."

"Actually I was gonna call bull[censor] on your briefing," Bandou explained, "How do you know this 'weapon' has a two meter effective range when it's still unidentified?"

"Because two meters is the closest anyone's got to the target before being killed, now shut up and let me continue my briefing."

"Tch, wh'evs," Bandou scoffed before leaning back against the wall of da Choppa.

"..._Anyways_, the local police have already been scrambled and are searching the city top to bottom. Once we start getting 'officer down' reports we'll move in and-" Bandou suddenly got up and made his way towards the rear hatch. "Hey! Get back here Mister; don't make me turn this helicopter around!"

"Go screw yourself!" Bandou shouted as he opened the hatch, wind mixed with the sound of the propeller blades roaring inside, "I'm not waiting for someone else to find this guy. Later bitches!"

"Actually the target's a-" But it was useless, as Bandou had already jumped out and was now running across the beach.

"How did he survive that?" Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon wondered, watching his now partner jogging off, "We're still like...120 feet in the air!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Farther down the beach Nyu was digging in the sand, undeterred by the rain pelting her or the occasional wave that splashed her, filling up the hole she was digging.

_Look Body, I appreciate that you want to find some money for a bus out of here, but couldn't you wait until it at least sto__ps __raining? I'm getting soaked, and when my hair finally dries out it's gonna have MAJOR split ends that will just be impossible to- Oh god, I just had a girly thought; I think I'm gonna hurl..._

Still Nyu continued on, willing herself to go on until she found the object of her search.

Meanwhile, back at the Maple Inn, Kouta (who had managed to save his ear from his cousin's evil clutches) was standing by the Grandfather clock, rubbing his ear; his cousin's words echoing in his mind.

"_Kouta you will go find Nyu and apologize or so help me I will tear off your-" _

He shuddered slightly at the memory.

"Maybe I should apologize," he reasoned, "if only so Yuka doesn't rip my balls off, cut them up, and then serve them to me in a tuna roll or something."

Before he could shudder again he heard someone knock on the front door.

"I bet that's Nyu," he thought, marveling that his problems would be over so quickly. He rushed to the door and slid it open with a grand flourish, announcing "All is forgiven Nyuuuuuuu...oh."

It was only a couple guys in shirts and ties wearing trench coats.

"Isn't it a little early in the year for you Jehovah's Witnesses to be doing this?"

"We're a couple of police detectives," the older of the two men standing outside the door said, holding up an official looking badge that simply said 'Detective'**.** "Mind if we ask you a few questions?'

"Didn't this place use to be vacant?" the other detective asked, poking his head in the door and looking around the immediate vicinity.

"I just moved in here," Kouta explained. "Is that one of the questions you wanted to ask me?"

"Actually we're looking for someone," the older man said, holding out a photo of a girl in what looked like a hospital gown who had long pink hair and small horns on her head. "Have you seen this girl around?"

Sound like anyone we know?

"Why," Kouta asked innocently, "is she in trouble for anything?"

"Well, she's-"

"Don't answer his questions!" the younger man exclaimed, "He's supposed to answer _ours_!" He grabbed Kouta by his collar, "Spill kid; you obviously know something about this girl, so cough it up!"

"Hey, calm down man!" the older man cried, grabbing his partner by his coat and pulling him back. "We're just asking the kid some questions, not giving him the fifth degree!" He turned to Kouta, "My apologies for my partner here, sometimes he gets a little overzealous about his jobs when he has too much to drink. And no, this girl isn't in any trouble; she's just a missing person."

Kouta mulled this over for a minute. "No," he said eventually, "I have haven't seen anyone like that around here."

"I see," the detective said as he lead his partner back to their car, "well, call us if you do see her." He gave Kouta a cordial wave goodbye, then turned back to his partner, "I knew it was a bad idea to let you have those seven tall ones before we started this search..."

As the detective left the Inn property, Kouta let out a nervous laugh. _"I just lied to the cops," _he realized. "Though it's not like I'll ever see them again..." His guilt temporarily assuaged he grabbed one of the umbrellas with the Inn's logo on it and headed out in search of his missing pet- I mean to look for Nyu. "I guess I'll have to earn the right to keep my balls the hard way tonight..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back with Bandou and Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon, the latter had finally caught up to the former and was relaying their position to the CO.

"Copy that," the Sargent said before addressing his partner. "Command says to remind you that we're only allowed to search along the beach; heavily populated areas are a no-no unless otherwise ordered."

"I'd say that depends on whether the target likes to play the hermit or not," Bandou shot back, examining his eyes in a little travel mirror. "Say, do you think my eyes are a hazel color or more of a greenish brown?"

The Sargent didn't really know how to answer Bandou's question (Because frankly, guys don't talk with other guys about their eyes. ...Except maybe if they could suddenly shoot eye lasers, but that's a discussion for another time.) so he just decided to talk about all his past and crap like that.

"...it just changes you, you know? I mean, how many kids do you know whose parents make them put down their own goldfish? Sure it was rabid and I realize now that it had to be done, but when you're only seven years old it's just traumatizing! After that I couldn't even look at animals in glass cages without crying, just knowing that somewhere down the line they'd go past the point of no return and their owners would be all 'She's my bitch Papa, let me do it!' when their hamster or their turtle starts foaming at the mouth; I'd faint whenever we even got near a zoo until I was twenty-five, and by that time-"

"SHUT UP!" Bandou screamed, finally pushed over the edge. He leveled his gun at the Sargent's head, "You wanna know how many (bleep)'s I give about your stupid goldfish? _None. _When I was young and we had to put down our pets we were _grateful _for the chance to do it, because it meant we wouldn't starve for another day. So if you suddenly want to end up as the first casualty of this operation, I suggest you keep talking." Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon would have wet his pants from Bandou's threat, but then something caught his eye further down the beach.

"Look sir, droid!"

Bandou turned and looked where the Sargent was pointing; there where no droids (big surprise), only a girl with long pink hair that seemed to be playing by the waterline.

"There ain't no stinking robots here!"

"I know sir, but it's the only thing I could think of to distract you for a moment." He said a silent prayer that he wouldn't have to change his underwear when he got back. "Besides, that girl's the target."

"But I thought the target was a dude!" Bandou protested.

"No, he's a she." He held out a couple of photos he was given to help identify the target; one was the same one the detectives showed to Kouta in the last scene (only with a random scientist leaning in with a cheesy grin and giving Lucy bunny ears), and the other was of Lucy holding said scientist's bloody severed head and right hand, middle finger extended.

"Why didn't anyone tell me this dude was a chick?" Bandou demanded.

"Because you jumped out of the helicopter before anyone could stop you, so you missed that part of the briefing; I _still_ don't know how you survived that by the way."

"Because shut up. Now come on, let's go reel this bastard-"

"'Bitch'."

"-Let's go reel this bitch in!"

While all this was going on, Nyu finally came across the object she'd been searching for.

_This? THIS is what you searching for all this time? NOT MONEY!? You know what? I need a break from your retarded stupidity for a while; I'ma take a nap, wake me when something interesting happens._

With Lucy napping, Nyu continued to feel proud for herself, having accomplished the task she set out to do. She probably would have stared at her treasure all night too, if not for the sudden feeling that someone was behind her. She turned around quickly, revealing-!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

And now let's cut over to Yuka at a train crossing, just to piss off all the people who were eager for the big reveal.

"I can't believe Kouta's acting so stupid about this," she muttered as the klaxon at the crossing continued to sound, "I mean, what does Nyu have that I don't? ...Aside from the horns I mean."

Feeling the train was taking too long Yuka turned around and decided to find another route over the tracks eventually passing by a police station**.**

"Maybe they can help me search for Nyu," she thought as she headed inside. It was a small building, but still in rather good upkeep; they even had a little waiting area stocked with stupid magazines that people only read to appear less bored while waiting, the height of technology! They even had one of those bells that looks like a certain part of female anatomy on the front desk manned by a disinterested receptionist.

"Look," the receptionist told the two Jehovah's Witnesses in front of her in a Boston accent, "if your number hasn't come up yet then you're just gonna have to wait til it does." She blew a bubble on the gum she was chewing and popped it, not bothering to look up from the magazine she swiped from the waiting room table.

"Excuse me!" Yuka called, trying to get the attention of someone in the room.

They ignored her.

"Um, _hello?_"

They ignored her still.

Having felt that she'd put up with enough waiting today (between waiting for Kouta and for the train just now) she yelled at the top of her voice "PAY (bleep)ING ATTENTION TO ME DAMMIT!"

"Take a number, hon," the receptionist told her, appearing to not have been fazed at all by Yuka's outburst.

The JW's however turned around, startled at the sudden commotion, though they calmed down a bit when they saw it was just a college student.

"Hi, I'm looking for my friend," she told them (seeing as they were the only ones paying attention to her at the moment), "have you seen her?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

...And we cut back the Nyu on the beach- wait what? That last scene wasn't even two minutes! Geez, let a scene play out already, would ya?

There is a bright side to this however, in that we finally get to see who the mysterious person who snuck up behind Nyu before is!

And it's just Kouta.

He knelt down next to her, holding his umbrella so it covered both of them.

"You're gonna catch pneumonia out here," he said, "it's pouring rain, you know."

"Nyu..." Nyu said, starting to shiver a little bit.

"Anyways, let's get back to the house, OK?" He stood back up, offering Nyu a hand as well. "Oh and by the way," he added, remember what was at stake, "for everything before...I'm sorr-"

CLONK!

Kouta fell to the ground, unable to finish his apology. As Nyu fretted over Kouta the purveyor of the clonking (You all know who it is, do I really need to say it?) knelt down next to the scene, staring in fascination at the two lumps attached to Nyu('s head).

"So _that's _what he meant by 'distinctive'..." Bandou marveled. "Kinda looks like that one character on Cho-"

"You probably shouldn't sir," Gonna-Die-Soon warned, "I don't think this show is licensed to make those kind of references. Also we should probably back up a bit..."

As the two S.A.T.'s started arguing about references Kouta began coming to. "My head..." he moaned, "...though it's not as bad as when Yuka does it." As more of his faculties returned to him he noticed two goons in full paramilitary regalia standing over him and Nyu, arguing about something or other. "Hey, who're you?" he asked.

He suddenly had a gun pointed at his face.

"Now I just jumped 120 feet out of a Black Hawk ("How the hell did you survive that?!") so I'm still feeling a bit shaky, and there's a slight chance I might miss when I pull the trigger. So you have to ask yourself," he paused, leaning in a bit closer, "'Do I feel Lucky?' Well, do ya? _Punk__._"

Given Kouta's long experience with an ever scarier monster than this guy, he bravely grabbed Nyu's arm, turned tail, and made with the running aways.

What? Yuka didn't use guns, she just hit him (and threatened his manhood).

And speaking of guns, a line of bullet holes suddenly appeared in the sand next to where Kouta and Nyu were running.

"I ain't done with you yet," Bandou shouted after them, "I still have some Bruce Willis lines I wanna try out." He made his way over the two youngsters, nailing Kouta in the balls when he reached them. "I just love a captive audience," he chuckled. "Now, let's start with Die Hard 3..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the police station...

"Really? We're looking for a missing person too!" the older gentleman said jovially. "What a _coincidence_!"

"Oh, did one of your members run off to join Scientology or something?" Yuka asked.

"We're not Jehovah's Witnesses," he said, his patience strained from the constant stream of misunderstandings he and his partner had been getting all evening. "We're detectives," he said, pulling out his 'Detective' badge once more. "What's your missing person look like?"

Yuka thought for a moment, trying to sift through the vast three things she knew about Nyu. Fortunately for her one of those three things was her unused Freudian lecture about why Nyu did what she did before she ran away, which was just vague enough for her to follow up on! Addressing the JW's- I mean detectives once more, she told them, "Never mind; I think I figured out where she is. Sorry for bothering you, hope you hand out lots of pamphlets!" And with that she hurried off into the rainy evening towards her new destination.

"You think maybe we don't look enough like detectives?" the younger man asked his partner, "Because for the past couple of hours I've been expecting you to preach to me about the end of the world."

Thankfully, before the older detective jumped down his partner's throat about the JW remark, the receptionist called out "Number 26!", which was the number Detective #2 had taken before.

"Finally! Now look, my partner and I are looking for a dangerous murderer and if-"

"Dude," younger detective said, holding up his phone, "I just got this text; Dunkin Donuts is having a $1 off special on a 'dozen' box of donuts!"

"Hot _damn_; what are we waiting around here for!" As the detectives hurried out the the door one of them turned back at the last second, "Oh yeah, and tell people to be on the lookout for this person." He tossed a photo on the receptionist's desk and hurried to rejoin his partner and all the delicious donut-y goodness.

The receptionist looked at the photo; it was a picture of Lucy that had a few new features (like buck teeth, silly glasses, and an arrow going through her head, just to name a few) added in via marker.

"Eh, I've seen worse," the receptionist shrugged, tossing the photo behind her blindly and resuming her magazine reading and gum chewing.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

And now we're back with Yuka, who was walking along side the beach looking for any signs of intelligent life. ...Or in this case Nyu. She hadn't been searching long when she came upon what looked like the unconscious form of her cousin lying on the beach.

"I thought I left him whimpering on the floor of the Inn," was her first thought. Then, upon recognizing him a little more, her second thought was "Holy (bleep) that's Kouta!", and she rushed onto the beach, tossing her umbrella to the side to reduce drag.

"Ooh, please be OK," she muttered as she knelt beside him and checked his vitals; heart still beating, lungs still working...still a gorgeous hunk of drop dead sexy man meat. Yep, all signals are go.

Fortunately, Kouta began coming to just a moment later...only to find Yuka's face three microns away from his.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" he shouted.

"KYYYAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Yuka calmly responded, leaping back in shock.

"I'mgonnagetraped-I'mgonnagetraped-I'mgonnagetraped," Kouta said, starting to work himself into a tizzy.

"Kouta, calm down," Yuka reassured him, having regained her own faculties a bit sooner than him, "it's fine, it's just me; no one's going to rape you."

He stopped hyperventilating and regarded her suspiciously. "Are you _sure_?"

"Yes," she told him, though inside she was going _Dammit he's on to me!_.

"That's a relief," he sighed. Then he squinted, "Were there always three of you?"

"Oh dear, you probably have a concussion; we'd better get you some medical attention_...__and maybe the opportunity for a little 'tlc', if you know what I mean..._"

"Huh?"

"Nothing at all Kouta~. Wait right there while I call an ambulance."

As Yuka dug through her purse for her cellphone Kouta wondered, "Hey...what happened to Nyu?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Nyu was in drag.

Meaning Bandou and Gonna-Die-Soon were dragging her across the sand to a place where they could kill her more quietly. For some reason she was also still holding onto the umbrella that Kouta had when he found her.

"I've been thinking..." Gonna-Die-Soon began.

"You didn't strain yourself, did you?" Bandou asked.

Gonna-Die-Soon glared at him.

"No," he explained, "what I was trying to get at was that I'm starting to seriously doubt that this girl-"

"'Bitch'."

"-this girl is the psychotic killer we're after. I mean, she has been acting like a killer would at all. ...Come to think of it, she's been acting more than a little mentally retarded, all things considered."

"Yeah? Well, how many other people do you know with horns sticking out of her head?" He gestured to the two white lumps that resided on Nyu's cranium. "Besides, pink hair went out of fashion nearly 8 years ago. Nowadays green is the new blond."

"More than what that has to do with whether she's the killer or not, how the hell do you know what fashions are trending?" the Sargent wondered.

"What, I can't have a hobby outside of work?" Bandou shot back.

"Not _t__hat _kind of hobby..." The Sargent pulled out his radio, "Bandou Team to CO, I think you might want to have Bandou go through a Psyche Evaluation when this mission is done; he's saying some distinctly _unman__ly _things here. Also, we found a-"

Bandou clonked his partner over the head with his gun, causing him to drop the radio. He then proceeded to stomp the radio into the ground, shoot it, pulverize it with a jackhammer, roll over it in a steamroller, and blow it up with a grenade, before finally he spit on it.

"I'm not crazy," he growled, "my mother already had me tested when I was a kid. Now, to deal with the little devil here..." He grabbed Nyu by her scalp and brought his face close to her. "Now," he said, "tell me what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is, and I might let you go..." He roughly tossed her to the ground. "Well?..."

"N-nyuuu..." Nyu whimpered, which roughly translated to something like 'I don't know that!'.

"Wrong answers!" he announced, kicking Nyu in the gut. The impact sent her rolling into an old rowboat.

"You know," he realized, "I'm starting to agree with Has-Issues-With-Pets here."

"Actually sir, it's Gonna-Die-Soon."

"I know what I said!" Bandou snapped at Gonna-Die-Soon before turning back to the whimpering girl in front of him. "So are you really a killer or not? Come on, prove it!"

Nyu just whimpered more and backed up into the boat, hiding her arms behind her back.

"Geez," Bandou sighed, "you're more disappointing than my third ex-wife." He was about to just put a bullet in her brain and be done with it when he noticed her (very conspicuously) trying to hide something behind her back. "Hey, what're you trying to hide there? Show me!"

All that accomplished was making Nyu try to hide whatever it was more.

"Careful sir, that might be that weapon of hers," the Sargent warned.

"Ah don't worry," Bandou waved the Sargent off, "she doesn't look like she has the balls to use it."

"She's a girl, sir; she doesn't have balls period."

"You trying to start something?" Bandou turned to glare at Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon, "Because if so it seems to be working."

Realizing this might be her only chance to escape, Nyu tried to sneak off while the loud one was busy yelling at the scared looking one. Unfortunately she tripped over the boat next to her.

BAM! The butt end of Bandou's gun connected with the back of her head, apparently knocking her out.

"Please," Bandou said arrogantly, "I've got eyes in the back of my head, bitch." Then he sighed and walked away, "Go ahead and finish her off Sargent, I'm done."

"W-W-What?" Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon stammered completely at a loss for words.

"I said kill her," Bandou repeated as he took off his helmet and ski mask, "what part of that wasn't clear?"

"Nothing, it's just that I kind of figured you'd want to be the one to do it. You know, since you've shown nothing but contempt for me at every turn."

"The Magic's gone, it doesn't matter if you kill her now you little (bleep)wad." Bandou pulled out a cigarette and tried to light it up. _Maybe I'll go scare the (bleep) of some teenagers in the woods or something once this is done...after I break in the new TV for the break room of course._

Sighing dejectedly, Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon trudged over to finish the job. When he reached the target he saw that she'd somehow gotten tangled in a fishing net.

"I'm really sorry about this Miss," he said, aiming his gun at her, "he's not such a bad guy once you get to know him...OK that's a lie; he's still an ass even if you do know him, don't know why though. Maybe it had something to do with his childhood, that's where most people's problems start."

While the Sargent was going off on another tangent, Bandou was still trying to get his damn lighter to work.

"I feel like (bleep)ing Roy Mustang," he muttered to himself. He kept at it, and eventually it lit.

And at the same time Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon fired his gun.

"Ahh, that's more like it," Bandou sighed as he finally lit up and took a drag. Without turning around, he asked "So how'd it feel putting a bullet through the bitch's skull, Sargent?"

"Painful, sir."

Bandou was confused; he'd felt a lot of things when he killed people, elation, ecstasy, nirvana, power, maniacal glee, but never pain, unless he'd already been injured when he pulled the trigger.

"The hell you talkin' 'bout?" he asked as he turned around, only to be met by the site of the Sargent with a gaping hole right through the middle of his chest.

"This," the Sargent gestured to said hole.

Only for his arm to fall off.

Followed closely by his head.

"Well damn," Bandou managed, "he really was gonna die soon."

Badump-_tchh!_

Ladies and gentlemen, the only reason this chapter was made. That joke. Yeah, sorry about that...

As Bandou got over the death of his partner two seconds later, he noticed the bitch he knocked out before was standing up. There was also something different about her now, though he couldn't decide if it was her slightly hunched shoulders, her hair covering most of face, the solitary eye that could be seen through the hair that practically screamed "KILLKILLKILLKILL!", or any combination of the three.

"You're friend interrupted my nap," she said. "That and he wouldn't shut up."

"Yeah, he does that," Bandou agreed, opening fire on the pink haired girl.

Only for the bullets to be deflected by some invisible barrier.

"OK, that's new," he said, opening fire again as she slowly began to walk towards him.

Much to the same result as last time.

"Screw this (bleep)," he resolved, leaping to the side. It was lucky he did that too, because when he looked back he saw his discarded helmet being crushed flat as a pancake.

"Wait, she was actually attacking me just now?" he realized. "I just did that cause I thought it would look cool- Yipes!" The ground exploded by his feet, prompting him to make like a tree and get the (bleep) out of here. He ducked into the trash-yard, hoping he could lose her in all the random garbage, but in actuality only gave Lucy a bunch of crap to throw at him.

Good thing he ducked behind some empty barrels before she could get a good bead on him!

_How the (bleep) is she doing this?_ he thought to himself.

Then he remembered something the CO said.

_"I'm well aware that my face has an unusual bone structure Sargent," the CO bristled, his eyebrow twitching. "Just for that, you're on Bandou's team when we hit dirt."_

"Heh heh, his face _does _look like a monkey," Bandou chuckled. "I wonder if that horned bitch is still out there?" he wondered when he noticed that the random junk had stopped flying over his head. He poked his head just over the top of the barrels and-

"WHOA!" he cried, ducking back down when the crap started flying again.

_OK, let__'s __analyze this; she can pick up and throw things without using her hands...or can she? Monkey-face said the target's weapon had a two meter range and was unidentified, and when she crushed my helmet before the imprint looked like the shape of a hand, so..._

"She must have telekinesis!" he shouted, jumping to his feet.

...It took him a moment to realize what he'd actually done.

"Wrong," Lucy corrected, "Invisible hands, bitch. _Bon voyage_."

"Huh?" Bandou wondered, "the hell's she mean by-"

Then he noticed that the area around him had gotten noticeably darker. He looked up, and saw the hull of an old boat hovering above him. He leaped away, just barely avoiding becoming another barnacle. When he recovered, he saw that Lucy was getting another boat ready to chuck at him.

"Not just yet bitch!" he said, putting a grenade in the launcher on his gun and shooting it at the boat, "I'm finally starting to have some fun with this!"

Then it suddenly cuts to the girl from before and her little dog too, cowering from all the noise that was... Wait, the crap? These guys aren't important yet! What happened to the fight scene? We want to see the fight scene, put it back!

_~Meanwhile, back at the fight scene...~ _

That's better. Now where was I...Oh, that's right!

Bandou moved to a new position and Lucy was still stalking him! He peered out from his new cover, and thankfully Lucy hadn't noticed him yet; she was still searching the previous cover he'd been hiding behind. Not wanting a repeat of last time, our Poor Man's Arnold stuck a finger over the edge of his cover. Then two fingers. Then his whole hand. When none of that produced any noticeable reaction from the other party (a.k.a. "Lucy") he poked his head over.

He noticed the Gonna-Die-Soon's decimated body lying between him and the horned bitch, with a grenade still clipped to his vest.

"_OK, this is perfect," _he whispered to himself, _"when she walks past the corpse I'll pop out and shoot that grenade, thus blowing her up into a million tiny pieces!" _He somehow broke the Fourth Wall and turned to look and the audience. "Fool proof plan, right?" he asked. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the cover, _"All I have to do is wait for wait for her to walk past the corpse...Aaaaany second now..._where the hell is she?_" _He stood up, keeping his gun at the ready-

Only to be met by Lucy standing right in front of him, pointing Gonna-Die-Soon's gun at him.

"Hey no fair getting your own gun!" Bandou cried, "I call hax!"

"All your base are belong to me, _bitch_," Lucy said as she pulled the trigger.

Then the girl in the ratty sweater looked over her shoulder, wondered what the sound of gunfire was for... OK, what did I just say? No more cutting to this girl until it's actually time for her to come into the story, _savvy?_

Good. Now let's continue...

Bandou was lying flat on his back, Lucy standing over his head ominously. She- Dammit story you made us miss the rest of the fight scene! Whatever; let's just get this over with...

"So was it as good for you as it was for me?" Lucy asked.

"Please," he scoffed, "I could go all night!" He tried to raise his gun to continue said fight, but Lucy decided he didn't need it anymore and pulled it away from him.

Along with part of his arm.

"GAAAAHHH!" Bandou cried, "Gimme a break!"

Lucy looked quizzically down at the beaten soldier. "OK," she shrugged, "you asked for it..."

She then proceeded to make his other arm bend 90 degrees in the wrong direction.

"I never would have thought you were into that kind of stuff..." she muttered as he cried out in pain.

"That isn't what I meant you dumb bitch!" he cried. "I'm never going to forget this; no matter where you go, no matter how far you run, I'll never stop hunting you!...Right after me and my beautiful eyes go try out the new TV in the break room."

"Speaking of eyes..." Lucy said, using her invisible hands to poke out Bandou's pride and joy. "There; now there's no chance you can look up my shorts."

Bandou's intelligent response was flail around and shout "I'LL KILL YOU!" mindlessly.

_Ugh, this is almost as annoying as that Kisaragi chick,_she thought, quickly losing her tolerance for Bandou's screaming. She grabbed his throat (with her invisible hands), announcing "Time to choke a bitch!"

And she would have choked a bitch too, if not for in Bandou's flailing, his limp arm brushed against the fist Lucy kept strangely clenched this whole time. She opened up her hand, revealing the object her body had found earlier.

_Nyu~!_

"Oh hey Body, didn't think you were still concision."

_Nyu!_

"What's that, Little Timmy fell down the well? Sorry, but I'm already doing my good deed for the month by ending this bastard here-"

_NYU!_

"Not so loud! We share the same head. Unfortunately... What do you want anyway?"

_Nyu~!_

"The heck do you mean, 'Or else'? I just got my body back and I'm gonna enjoy it for a while."

_NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-NYU-_

"AARGH!" Lucy stumbled, her grip on Bandou's throat disappearing along with her concentration. "Alright, fine! You can have the body back! Not like there's anymore people around to kill anyways..."

"Nyu~!" Nyu said pleasantly, thanking her other self as took control of her earthly vessel again.

_Don't think I'm just gonna lie down and take your stupid just cause you're back in control,_Lucy warned.

Though for some reason, it felt like she was forgetting something...

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO YOU HORNED BITCH?! COME BACK HERE AND FINISH ME OFF LIKE A MAN! NOT THAT I'D KNOW IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY A MAN OR NOT, BECAUSE YOU _POKED MY (bleep)ING EYES OUT!_"

_Oh yeah, _Lucy finally remembered, _that. Well go on Body, finish him off. _

"Nyu!" Nyu staunchly refused, shaking her head.

_Ugh..._Lucy sighed, turning towards the audience, _Would you mind giving us a minute? My body and I need to have a little chat._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

We cut to a makeshift hut made out of old bins and crates and stuff, where it's _finally!_time to introduce the girl in the ratty sweater (and her little dog, too!) into the story for reals. Having not heard anything that sounded like gunfire or explosions for a while, she decided to step out and take a look around.

Only to be nearly run over as Nyu zoomed past her, sobbing.

"I wondered where she's going?" the girl wondered. She would have pondered it some more, but a lonely umbrella caught her attention; she noticed the words "Property of the Maple Inn" on the handle. After looking this way and that to make sure no one was around, she snatched up the umbrella, claiming it as her own. "It's not like anyone will _really_miss it, right?" she reasoned to her dog, who just looked at her quizzically.

Feeling the need to test out her new plunder she strolled out onto the beach, where almost immediately she stumbled upon a still screaming Bandou.

"-AND WHY THE (bleep) DID THEY JUST STOP TRYING IN THE LAST FEW EPISODES OF EVANGELLION? IT'S JUST A BUNCH STUPID, EXISTENTIAL BULL[censor] THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW; WHAT'S WITH THAT? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE PRICE OF TEA IN CHINA NOWADAYS!..."

Yeah, he was starting to go delirious from the pain and the blood loss.

For a moment the girl stared in shock at the mutilated giant lying on the ground before her, but then she started to notice all the swag he had on him.

"Yeah, he's not gonna be needing all this stuff if he's just going to die in a little while anyway," she reasoned, kneeling beside him and looking for the most likely place he would keep his wallet...

"Hey, who's there?" Bandou asked, suddenly aware that there was another presence beside him, "Is that still you Horned Bitch? If so, then could you please finish me off before I start ranting on everything that's wrong with the Twilight series; the way my mind is going I might start thinking about it too hard and accidentally convince myself to like it or something..."

Crap, he wasn't out of it enough not to notice her rifling through his pockets! Still for a moment her humanitarian side won out over her Klepto one and she put his stumpy right arm in a tourniquet before she lifted his wallet, two clips of ammo, and a Hula dancer bobblehead. She quickly ran off before he could realize what had happened.

Like I said, a moment.

Bandou, meanwhile, was still lying on the beach, his sanity continuing to slip slowly away.

"Dammit..." he sighed as he heard the sound of footsteps receding into the distance. "Oh well," he said, turning his head to the side. "I guess it's just you and me now, Bobo."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

At a nearby clinic Kouta was resting on a hospital bed with an I.V. drip in his arm, Yuka dutifully watching over him.

And by "watching over him", we mean "staring over the edge of the bed at him creepily while he slept, like she could pounce on him at any time and make him her bitch".

Same thing really.

"Kouta!" she gasped in relief as he moaned the sleep out of his system.

"Yuka...I- AACK!"

This quickly turned to groans of pain as Yuka glomped him with all her might around the neck.

"Ohh I was so worried about you since you lost consciousness on the way over here but that doesn't matter now because you're OK and I'm never gonna let anything like that happen to you ever again and-"

"Yuka...!" he gasped, his face looking decidedly blue, "Oxygen...need..._air!..._"

"Eep!" she eeped, releasing her python like grip on her cousin's neck and allowing him to breathe properly. "Sorry," she apologized sheepishly, "I guess I got a little excited, didn't I?"

"You're telling me..." Kouta said, rubbing his now sore neck. "By the way, did you see what happened to Nyu before?"

Before Yuka could answer there was a knock on the door. It then opened up, revealing...

"You're the JW's from earlier!" the cousins gasped in unison. Then they turned and pointed to each other, "You met them too?"

"For the last fricking time we're not JW's! We're police detectives."

"We want to ask the boy some questions," the other detective explained as his partner massaged the bridge of his nose, "Would you mind waiting outside for a moment?"

"I don't think so, _bub,_" Yuka stated defiantly. "Well, my cousin obviously just went through a traumatic experience, so there's no way you're moving me from his side!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Except for the fact that he's a giant," Yuka belatedly realized as she sat on the worn cushions of a bench outside Kouta's room. "Damn my weak and short (by comparison) body!"

Back inside the room, Kouta had just finished explaining what happened on the beach to the JW- I mean, the detectives...

"So you say you were attacked buy a couple of soldiers with automatic weapons?" the older detective asked. "Are you sure it wasn't just a couple of punks with air-soft guns? They usually come out around this time of year, breed like rabbits."

"No, they were definitely soldiers," Kouta insisted. "And didn't I just tell you all that a minute ago; why are you repeating it?"

"Because the audience didn't catch any of it cause of how the scene was cut." The detective turned and waved to the audience.

_Who's he waving to?_ Kouta wondered, since he couldn't see past the Fourth Wall. "Whatever, they really were soldiers!"

"Well your friend outside didn't see any soldiers," the detective argued, "we know this even though we haven't actually questioned her about anything yet."

"Are you sure there weren't any other witnesses around?" the other detective (the giant one) asked, "We'd be more inclined to believe you if there were someone else who could corroborate your story." Kouta thought for a moment when his (still) slightly concussion addled brain remembered something.

"There _was _another girl there!" he announced, "She'll back me up!"

"What did she look like?" the giant detective asked.

"Hard up for a date?" his partner teased.

"N-no," he refuted flatly. (Though secretly he was.)

"Yeah," Kouta interjected, "there was _definitely _another girl there."

"Then tell us what she looked like," the giant persisted, "Hair color, eye color, clothing style, her three sizes, what kinks does she have, what her sign is? Come on, anything!"

"Dude, you _sure _you're not a little bit desperate?" the older detective asked.

"Shut up!" the giant exploded. "Just because _you _have a girlfriend come home to at the end of the day doesn't mean the rest of us do!"

"...You need therapy," the older detective said before turning back to Kouta, "Seriously though, we do need to know what she looks like so we can find her."

"Well...," Kouta though for a moment. _I might as well go two for two here..._"I know I said 'girl', but she might have been older, at least in her mid twenties, was kind of tall, and had striking red hair."

"Thanks," the giant said, having calmed down a bit now, "that's plenty for my fantasies to- I mean, for us to find her with. Yeah..."

"We'll just be going then," the older detective said, pushing his love-sick partner out the door. "And sorry for dropping the hammer on you, but the doctor said your concussion wasn't too serious. All the same, don't do any heavy sports for the next couple days."

"Still, you believe me about the soldiers," Kouta persisted one last time, "right?"

"No."

Kouta drooped his head.

"Still, we'll report your incident and be on the lookout for any punk with air-soft guns." He was just about to leave himself when he turned back to Kouta and whispered ominously, _"The truth is out there..."_. Then left, leaving a very confused Kouta to wonder what he was referring to.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back on the beach, Mayu couldn't shake the feeling that there was more stuff she could have swiped from the soldier guy and was now heading back there to finish the job.

Only when she got there all she found was an empty beach.

"I knew I should have been more thorough," she sighed, lamenting her loss.

Then we cut to the inside of a taxi cab for some reason...? Oh, it's because that's the cab Kouta and Yuka are taking back to the Maple Inn; couldn't tell because cause of the weird angle.

"I really hope they didn't get Nyu," Kouta said out of the blue as they were waiting at a red light.

"Huh?" Yuka was lost in her own thoughts (all of them involving Kouta wearing a maple leaf..._and nothing else._) and hadn't quite caught what her cousin said.

"Oh, uh, nothing..."

However, before Yuka could unreasonably speculate about what her cousin could have said there was an abrupt jump cut and suddenly she was saying goodbye to him at the step that lead up to the inn.

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay the night?" she asked, sticking her head out of the cab window, "I don't mind really; it's not like I had anything else to do tonight anyways. We could have a lovely candlelit dinner, maybe some George Michael playing in the background..." Her eyes suddenly had dreamy Desu sparkles around them and she held her cheeks delicately, blushing slightly, "Oh _Kouta_, I didn't know you were into _that _kind of thing...~"

"Yeeeaaah..." Kouta said, staring mortified at his cousin, "I'm just gonna...Bye!"

"Bye Kouta!" she called as the cab pulled away, leaves and twigs getting all kinds of stuck in Yuka's hair.

Oh, did I mention she still had her head poking out of the car like a Labrador on a Sunday drive?

As Yuka's expletives faded into the distance, Kouta walked back up the stairs to the front gate. When he arrived, there was a little surprise waiting for him.

"Nyu?"

Yes it was Nyu, sitting next to the welcome mat with her knees pressed up to her chest.

_OK look Body, I'm sorry I snapped at you before, but when people are suffering like that it's only right to help ease their passing...whether I caused the suffering to begin with or not. You really shouldn't- Oh. It's the male meatbag. Joy. _

Nyu looked up at Kouta, her eyes still stained with tears, and held out her hands to him. "Nyu?...~" she offered, threatening to break back into tears.

Kouta stared at the object in Nyu's hand; it was a pink shell just like the one Kanae had given him all those years ago. He knelt next to her and gave wrapped his arms around her, saying "I'm sorry" in a voice just barely audible. When he released her, Nyu offered the shell again, which Kouta gladly accepted. "Thank you."

"Nyu!~" Nyu said, compounding the touching scene. Seriously, I don't think it could be more touching if you tried; in fact, I don't think there's a single thing that could ruin this-

"**CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!" **Jack Atlas shouted before disappearing offscreen.

...or there's that.

_...the (bleep)?_

Apparently Lucy thought so too.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

While we wait for everyone's brains to catch up with them again, let's check in on Yuka.

Alrighty, what do got here; staring longingly out the window, eyes thousands of miles away, humming her own lyrics to Hotel Room Service by Pitbull... Yep, she's _definitely_wishing she stayed at the Inn with Kouta tonight.

And now she seems to be flashbacking..._damn_she's got it bad.

"_Come back next year, OK Kouta?" she pleaded as her cousins were about to depart at Gokurakuji Station, her eyes starting to tear up. "D-don't forget about me..."_

"_Of course I'll come back; after all, I like you." _

She sighed, replaying her cousin's words over again. "(bleep)damn I want to bang him so hard..."

"What was that Lady?" the cab driver asked.

"Nothing~!" Yuka said, smiling sweetly as if nothing had happened. Then she heard a small jingling and looked in her hand. There was a key there, attached to a fuzzy, pink heart key-chain. "Excuse me," she asked the driver, realizing this was her golden opportunity to get some "snuggle time" with her Kouta-pii, "Could you turn the car around please?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"_Achoo!" _Nyu sneezed, dripping wet from being out in the rain all night.

"OK," Kouta automatically replied, rummaging through his backpack.

Why did he agree with Nyu sneezing?

Haven't the foggiest! And it's not really important to the story, so let's just pretend like it never happened.

"I wondered who you actually are," Kouta wondered aloud. "You've got soldiers coming after you, ...and I _think _you have the police worked up, I couldn't really tell." He sighed. "Too bad your vocabulary leaves so much to be desired..."

"Nyu?" Nyu wondered.

_If I didn't get that (bleep)ing brain damage I wouldn't _have_such a retarded vocabulary, thank you very much! _Lucy thought haughtily.

"Regardless," he turned to Nyu, "I'm not going to let them take you away; that's a promise." He held up a sweater, "Now change into this."

Nyu just stared at it curiously.

_It's tacky_, Lucy thought, _I'm not wearing it._

"OK, that's fine; I'll just do this myself. Can't be _that_hard, right?"

For some reason his eyes were drawn to the area of Nyu's chest, as well as the still soaking wife beater that clung to it.

It didn't help that the shirt was white, and that it became see through when water was applied.

"...Dammit where's Yuka when I need her?" he gulped, his cheeks starting to flush. Despite his squeamishness he was able remove said wife beater from Nyu without too much trouble.

Getting the new shirt on however was another matter entirely.

"OK, now where the (bleep) did I put it?..." Kouta muttered as he groped blindly around the floor for the he'd gotten before. After a minute he found the shirt and turned back to Nyu. (Don't worry, his eyes are closed.) "Alright, now put your arms up like this and we can-"

"Nyu!" Wondering what the topless girl was trying to tell him, he _ssslllooowwweeelllyyy _cracked an eye open, and-

He was facing a coat hanger.

"*sigh*, Round 2," he said, turning so he was almost facing Nyu before closing his eyes again. "Now put your arms up, Nyu."

"Nyu~!" Nyu complied, raising her arms so they were straight up in the air.

_Way to further the whole __'__I'm not a pet__' __thing, Body, _Lucy berated her body.

"OK,"" Kouta said as he slipped the shirt over Nyu's arms, "Nice and easy, _niiiice _and-"

"_Nyuuuuu!_"

Kouta had reached that pesky chest area.

"WAAGH!" he cried, flinging himself back from Nyu, lest he accidentally molest her in some other way. When he could back up no further, he contented himself with saying "I'm sorry!" over and over.

_Damn straight you're sorry, _human. _You're just lucky I want my body clothed, or else I would have killed you soooooo bad for pulling a stunt like THE FLYING (bleep) ARE YOU DOING BODY?! THOSE ARE _NOT _FOR PLAYING WITH!_

Nyu had discovered her breasts and was poking them experimentally.

After deciding he'd apologized enough, Kouta moved on to the next item of clothing to be swapped.

**The boxers!**

"Nyu?" he stammered, "T-t-try not to m-move around too m-much, OK?"

Nyu was lying on her back with her legs elevated. The reason for this (according to Kouta's feeble mind) was that it would allow the boxers to slide off easier.

He gulped.

Quite loudly.

_Diediediediediedie, _Lucy thought.

"OK then," Kouta sighed, finally getting his courage up enough to do this, "One, two, two-and-a-half...two and three quarters...oh screw it." Figuring to hell with this, (and since the counting wasn't helping like he thought it would), he slipped the boxers off.

"Kouta, I'm back!" Yuka announced as she slid the door open, "I forgot to give you the key to the place earlier so I..." She took in the scene in front of her.

"Yuka, I can explain," Kouta hastily defended himself, "This _totally _isn't what it looks like-

"Kouta?~" Yuka said sweetly.

"Um...," he was sweating bullets, "Yes?"

"**...Run."**

_to be continued..._

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Colonel Roy Mustang is one of the main characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. His alchemy can produce fire, but not when he gets wet.

_A/N: The word count for this chapter? Over __9000! Anyways, I probably wont be posting another chapter until December at the latest; with how long it takes me to finish each chapter, I probably won't make it before november, which is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Plus I'm devoting most of my attention in October to my annual Halloween Horror Fic, not to mention all the time my day job takes. Again, apologies, read Cold Fuzz, and enjoy my Horror fic when it comes out!_


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